It's 5th period on Thursday, May 19th. There are only 11 periods between now and the end of my career at Uni. I've had friends cry because they'll miss it here, I've had (and been a part of) friends celebrating the end of our time here, and I've had friends already get nostalgic about times past in this building. As for me? I really don't feel all that different.
I still feel like the big goofy kid that came into this building five years ago. I take school a little more seriously now, I've grown 7-8 inches and put on +50 lbs, but I still feel the same. I still make the same kind of jokes I always have, I still take most things lightly, and still I mess around a lot.
I guess what I'm wondering is, should I feel like I've changed? Or like leaving here is a huge deal? It doesn't feel like it is right now. It feels like another summer vacation.
Maybe I'll feel different when it's all said and done. I don't think I ever foresaw this day even getting here, high school has felt like an eternity. But I've built a base of friends over the last five years, something I haven't really had before now, and I've been challenged every single day. Sometimes I haven't exactly appreciated that, but now that it's all over, I think I can say I've done my best.
I guess what I'm attempting to say is that it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I can't believe it's almost over, that five years have past, and that in three months, I won't be coming back to Uni. I won't be seeing the people I've grown accustomed to. I won't be in this silly building we all make fun of. But I will be off on my own, making my own decisions, making new friends, and working hard as always.
Tomorrow is going to be the beginning of the end of my career at Uni. In some ways I'll miss it, and in others I won't. Uni has shaped me for better or worse, and I will always be grateful for that.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Finish Strong
As the end of the year approaches, it gets harder and harder to maintain any semblance of work ethic. I suddenly can no longer find the drive to finish the problem set, keep studying for that important test, or burn the midnight oil and revise a paper. Any work that does happen to get done doesn't feel like my best. It feels like, and often is, a second best effort thrown together haphazardly at the last minute. But I know that it still matters, even if only to me. I need to keep my habits intact, and not fall prey to the ever present temptation to slack off and not do anything. So I keep doing my work, grudgingly perhaps, but I continue to do it.
I really can't find an answer for why it's important. I know what school I'm going to next year. I already have accepted my scholarships, and so long as I don't fail my courses, I'll keep them. I'm struggling to find a reason why I continue to kill myself over homework every night. Maybe it's just habitual, maybe I feel this need to finish it no-matter what. Maybe it's the motto my parents have drilled into my head ever since I was a little kid, "Finish strong." Somewhere I can't consciously control, I want to go out on a high note after making it through 5 years at this school. I must just feel this need, because I can't explain it.
Even the easy stuff is hard to find motivation for. "Why do I have to write this blog/read this essay/write this paper?" is a question I'm always asking myself. And in moments of weakness when I can't remember an answer, I'll quit and stop whatever it is I'm doing. But at some point I'll figure out I really do have to do it. I'll stay up late and pay for that weakness that didn't let me finish it in the first place.
It has been easier in the last few weeks, as backwards as that sounds. I guess the end is so close that it gives me a reason to do the work that I have to. I suppose a goal is all I need to finish strong.
I really can't find an answer for why it's important. I know what school I'm going to next year. I already have accepted my scholarships, and so long as I don't fail my courses, I'll keep them. I'm struggling to find a reason why I continue to kill myself over homework every night. Maybe it's just habitual, maybe I feel this need to finish it no-matter what. Maybe it's the motto my parents have drilled into my head ever since I was a little kid, "Finish strong." Somewhere I can't consciously control, I want to go out on a high note after making it through 5 years at this school. I must just feel this need, because I can't explain it.
Even the easy stuff is hard to find motivation for. "Why do I have to write this blog/read this essay/write this paper?" is a question I'm always asking myself. And in moments of weakness when I can't remember an answer, I'll quit and stop whatever it is I'm doing. But at some point I'll figure out I really do have to do it. I'll stay up late and pay for that weakness that didn't let me finish it in the first place.
It has been easier in the last few weeks, as backwards as that sounds. I guess the end is so close that it gives me a reason to do the work that I have to. I suppose a goal is all I need to finish strong.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Stuck
Getting songs stuck in your head is kind of a double edged sword. One the one hand it's really cool if you're bored because hey, songs on repeat. And on the other, it can get really, really annoying hearing the same thing over and over again. It also depends on whether or not you actually like the song. If you don't, it really sucks. Like that Rebecca Black song, Friday. That song is just annoying. There is literally nothing good about it. The best thing that came from it is someone took the lyrics and made it sound like Bob Dylan sang it first (Link). If you saw the comments from before everyone figured it out was fake, they were hilarious. People were totally making things up like "I remember seeing you play this in 19XX, greatest song ever!" and others were psycho analyzing the entire song. It even made it to the front page of Reddit for awhile. Anywho, here are some songs that have been on repeat for over a week in my head.
Songs that are stuck in my head;
My Friends Over You- New Found Glory
On Top of the World- T.I. feat. B.o.B.
My Life Be Like (Ooh Aah)- Grits
Songs that are stuck in my head;
My Friends Over You- New Found Glory
On Top of the World- T.I. feat. B.o.B.
My Life Be Like (Ooh Aah)- Grits
Monday, March 14, 2011
Love 'em, Hate 'em
Video games, the ever so easy to engage in form of entertainment that holds so many people from such a variety of backgrounds captive. So addictive, such a release, and just plain fun, video games have gone from a nerdy pastime only played by a few people to a monstrous multi-million dollar industry dominated by huge mega-publishers such Electronic Arts (EA) and Activision.
Video games have evolved from the first text based adventures to the most high tech first person shooters. But something that hasn't changed is their ability to absolutely suck time away like none other. There are few other pastimes where you can sit down and say, "Just one match and I'll be done" and four and a half hours have passed, you've leveled up twice, and you have officially become addicted.
So much fun! But so huge of a time waster! Video games have always been this thing hanging around the edge, always there, always available, but never really. I know I have too much work to be in their world during the week. So I get my time in during the weekends when I can, never quite doing as well as the guys who spend more time in the virtual world than in the real one. I honestly can't choose whether I love them or hate them. I can't even begin to recall all those times I've had a paper or calculus homework due the next day, or even within a few short hours and that box and controller by the TV have tempted me to go and just relax for a few hours. Sometimes I'd give in and almost immediately after stopping regret it, and other times I'd get all my stuff done with just enough time to play one match.
Or twenty.
Video games have evolved from the first text based adventures to the most high tech first person shooters. But something that hasn't changed is their ability to absolutely suck time away like none other. There are few other pastimes where you can sit down and say, "Just one match and I'll be done" and four and a half hours have passed, you've leveled up twice, and you have officially become addicted.
So much fun! But so huge of a time waster! Video games have always been this thing hanging around the edge, always there, always available, but never really. I know I have too much work to be in their world during the week. So I get my time in during the weekends when I can, never quite doing as well as the guys who spend more time in the virtual world than in the real one. I honestly can't choose whether I love them or hate them. I can't even begin to recall all those times I've had a paper or calculus homework due the next day, or even within a few short hours and that box and controller by the TV have tempted me to go and just relax for a few hours. Sometimes I'd give in and almost immediately after stopping regret it, and other times I'd get all my stuff done with just enough time to play one match.
Or twenty.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Heroes
No I'm not going to talk about a crappy T.V. series, I'm talking about the comic-book Superman kind of hero. The super kind.
Superheros and comics have been thoroughly ingrained in our culture, just ask anyone on the street who Superman is for proof. They are instantly recognizable, they are memorable, and, most importantly, they are awesome. They appeal to almost anyone in any age group. They can be invincible, faster, or stronger than any mere person. They can fly, turn invisible, and read minds. But above all, they can be whatever we want them to be.
If you can dream it, there is probably a comic that has done it. Suits that grant a person the ability to fly, block bullets, and shoot missiles from your wrists? Iron Man did that. A guy who can run faster than anything on the planet, and faster than many things on other planets as well? Flash Gordon is your man. Superman without the cape and a penchant for beating the crap out of Commies and Nazis? Meet Captain America. Anything you can dream has most likely been done. From mutants to suits, comics have everything covered. Even Eminem has starred in comics.
I guess I'm just trying to justify to myself my love of comics. Everything about them just seems so cool to me, and I guess I can't really explain it.
Superheros and comics have been thoroughly ingrained in our culture, just ask anyone on the street who Superman is for proof. They are instantly recognizable, they are memorable, and, most importantly, they are awesome. They appeal to almost anyone in any age group. They can be invincible, faster, or stronger than any mere person. They can fly, turn invisible, and read minds. But above all, they can be whatever we want them to be.
If you can dream it, there is probably a comic that has done it. Suits that grant a person the ability to fly, block bullets, and shoot missiles from your wrists? Iron Man did that. A guy who can run faster than anything on the planet, and faster than many things on other planets as well? Flash Gordon is your man. Superman without the cape and a penchant for beating the crap out of Commies and Nazis? Meet Captain America. Anything you can dream has most likely been done. From mutants to suits, comics have everything covered. Even Eminem has starred in comics.
I guess I'm just trying to justify to myself my love of comics. Everything about them just seems so cool to me, and I guess I can't really explain it.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
On My Own
You know that feeling you get when you read something that really resonates with you? Its unique to each person, and for me its something I can't explain. But I can tell you I felt it when I read the draft of a friends essay. Their subject was being alone and about loners. They did an amazing job putting to words almost everything I had ever felt about being alone. Their words were put better than I could ever say them, much less write them.
Going through middle school was never easy for me. I wasn't exactly popular with the other kids. I had my friends, but the vast majority ignored me. I was fine with that, but apparently some other kids weren't ok with that. They thought I upset the natural order of their habitat. I didn't kiss up to them like the other kids did, and when they took me under their wing for a little while they expected me to play along. I still refused to play their game, and they turned on me. They couldn't understand how I liked being around my friends that liked me for who I was, or better yet, on my own. They wanted me play their game, one that they owned. I wouldn't, so their decided to cut me down. I couldn't stand their superficiality, their counting of how many "friends" you had, so I tried to ignore their system. And that system turned full force against me. They ridiculed me, saying I had no friends, I was stupid, and was worthless. For a 6th and 7th grade me, that was devastating. I let that system hurt me, even though I told myself I didn't need it. I grew accustomed to being on my own. I associated that system that I see all too often, even now, with pain. Nothing I could do would placate them, no words I could choose, no biting wit I could come up with, nothing.
They thoroughly shut me down.
And then I escaped. I came to where I am now, and I entered an entirely new system. A new system full of people who didn't know me, and couldn't judge me. I felt better for awhile. But some people in this new place that I had started to call home were part of a system like the one I had just run from. And I almost didn't see it until it was too late. But I did see it, and I tried to avoid that conflict. I tried to be on my own more, and when the people I had almost considered friends turned, it didn't hurt me nearly as much. This time, the people couldn't hurt me, so they became more reckless and bold. And they paid for it. But even in that victory I still hurt from the betrayal, even when I had seen it coming.
It took awhile to figure out that I enjoy being on my own. I learned I don't need approval from any system. I don't dislike people, I enjoy being around my friends, but I don't hang around the same people who play the game I hate. They count friends, they are quick to cut others down lest someone see their many flaws, and they all act like friends. But really, they are no different than those 6th grade kids who mock others for not playing their little game.
Reading that essay made me remember all of those things, all that pain that when I look back on it, made me who I am. When I look back on it, I see what I wanted was not to be accepted like I thought, but to be alone, away from them. And really, being alone isn't a horrible thing. The essay I read put it so much better than I can, but that sense of being on my own doesn't scare me. On my own, the only person I have to listen to is myself. On my own, I can think more clearly. On my own, there is quiet, and that is something I can live with.
Going through middle school was never easy for me. I wasn't exactly popular with the other kids. I had my friends, but the vast majority ignored me. I was fine with that, but apparently some other kids weren't ok with that. They thought I upset the natural order of their habitat. I didn't kiss up to them like the other kids did, and when they took me under their wing for a little while they expected me to play along. I still refused to play their game, and they turned on me. They couldn't understand how I liked being around my friends that liked me for who I was, or better yet, on my own. They wanted me play their game, one that they owned. I wouldn't, so their decided to cut me down. I couldn't stand their superficiality, their counting of how many "friends" you had, so I tried to ignore their system. And that system turned full force against me. They ridiculed me, saying I had no friends, I was stupid, and was worthless. For a 6th and 7th grade me, that was devastating. I let that system hurt me, even though I told myself I didn't need it. I grew accustomed to being on my own. I associated that system that I see all too often, even now, with pain. Nothing I could do would placate them, no words I could choose, no biting wit I could come up with, nothing.
They thoroughly shut me down.
And then I escaped. I came to where I am now, and I entered an entirely new system. A new system full of people who didn't know me, and couldn't judge me. I felt better for awhile. But some people in this new place that I had started to call home were part of a system like the one I had just run from. And I almost didn't see it until it was too late. But I did see it, and I tried to avoid that conflict. I tried to be on my own more, and when the people I had almost considered friends turned, it didn't hurt me nearly as much. This time, the people couldn't hurt me, so they became more reckless and bold. And they paid for it. But even in that victory I still hurt from the betrayal, even when I had seen it coming.
It took awhile to figure out that I enjoy being on my own. I learned I don't need approval from any system. I don't dislike people, I enjoy being around my friends, but I don't hang around the same people who play the game I hate. They count friends, they are quick to cut others down lest someone see their many flaws, and they all act like friends. But really, they are no different than those 6th grade kids who mock others for not playing their little game.
Reading that essay made me remember all of those things, all that pain that when I look back on it, made me who I am. When I look back on it, I see what I wanted was not to be accepted like I thought, but to be alone, away from them. And really, being alone isn't a horrible thing. The essay I read put it so much better than I can, but that sense of being on my own doesn't scare me. On my own, the only person I have to listen to is myself. On my own, I can think more clearly. On my own, there is quiet, and that is something I can live with.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Uninteresting
Here I am, sitting around trying to desperately write something, anything, for this blog and suddenly something does come. Ill write about nothing, heck it'll be like an episode of Seinfeld. No plot, no logical progression, and no real idea what the heck I'm going to write. But whatever. Lets do this.
So, how about I talk about something I like doing? Yeah that'll work nicely. So I like to play sports, video games, and wow I really don't see how any of these things are going to link together in any coherent kind of way. I suppose that's the entire point of all this though. I have to learn not only to not procrastinate, but also be able to develop a voice as a writer and be able to just be able to sit down and write something. It's not like this is some super hard-core academic paper I have to write anyways, right? But for some reason this whole "write what you know" just seems hard to me. I honestly don't know what it is. I mean, it's not like I don't know things. I just don't find them to be something I'd want to read about.
I think I'm just over analyzing what I have to do here. Obviously its free-form, I can write anything I want. My problem is, again, that I guess all the things I do I don't think anyone will find interesting. I mean I suppose I could have just spent two full paragraphs writing about how I like to, I don't know, watch football or something (Bears ftw), but would anyone really want to read about that? I have a hard enough time reading ESPN.com as it is, and they actually act like the know what they're talking about. Oh well, I'm sure my next post will be just riveting, but for now I'm going to go read Tolkein or something.
Also, I really this post is long enough.
So, how about I talk about something I like doing? Yeah that'll work nicely. So I like to play sports, video games, and wow I really don't see how any of these things are going to link together in any coherent kind of way. I suppose that's the entire point of all this though. I have to learn not only to not procrastinate, but also be able to develop a voice as a writer and be able to just be able to sit down and write something. It's not like this is some super hard-core academic paper I have to write anyways, right? But for some reason this whole "write what you know" just seems hard to me. I honestly don't know what it is. I mean, it's not like I don't know things. I just don't find them to be something I'd want to read about.
I think I'm just over analyzing what I have to do here. Obviously its free-form, I can write anything I want. My problem is, again, that I guess all the things I do I don't think anyone will find interesting. I mean I suppose I could have just spent two full paragraphs writing about how I like to, I don't know, watch football or something (Bears ftw), but would anyone really want to read about that? I have a hard enough time reading ESPN.com as it is, and they actually act like the know what they're talking about. Oh well, I'm sure my next post will be just riveting, but for now I'm going to go read Tolkein or something.
Also, I really this post is long enough.
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